When I was in high school, I was extremely driven. I got straight A’s, studied like crazy, and I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life… or so I thought.
After graduating, I got very lost. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I didn’t know where I wanted to go to school. I didn’t know what I wanted to major in. I didn’t even know what I was interested in or wanted to spend my free time doing anymore. Ages 18 to 20 were very rough years for me. I lost a lot of friends, and my grades suffered, which eventually lead to me losing a lot of self confidence and overall happiness.
I had always wanted to be a doctor, lawyer or CEO. I wanted to do something impressive and powerful. I wanted to do something that I felt used my intelligence, something that not everyone could do. I wanted to be a successful woman.
I’ve always put a lot of pressure on myself. Nothing I do is ever good enough in my own mind unless it is absolutely perfect (which is something that I’m working on). I just want to make my family proud.
I also was (and am) a feminist. I didn’t want a career that my gender confined me to. However, always, deep down, I knew that I want a family and that I love children. When I was very little I wanted to be a teacher (if not a princess or something), but even though I still frequently thought about how much I would enjoy teaching, by high school I looked down on the girls that wanted to be teachers. I thought that they were settling for what society expected of them rather than reaching their full potential.
After spending about a year and a half pretty depressed, I realized that I frequently relied on my little niece, nephew and cousins to cheer me up. I had always wanted to make a difference in society. I could do it by breaking the mold and becoming a part of the “boys club” as a doctor, lawyer or CEO, or I could do it by teaching little kiddos that all humans on earth are equal no matter their race, religion, social class or sexual identity and that they all should be treated equally. I realized that I want to educate students not only about math, reading and history but also about how to treat others, the world and themselves.
However, I still often felt like I was settling. I thought that by changing my major from Biology with a Pre-Medicine emphasis to Elementary Education I was saying that I wasn’t smart enough to become a doctor, but that is not true at all. I could become a doctor, but I don’t think I would be the best doctor because I wouldn’t like it. It is not what I am meant to do. I know for a fact that I would hate the hours. I want more than anything to have a family of my own someday, and being a doctor would not allow me to be the kind of mother I want to be. However, I think that I will make a very good teacher someday (at least I hope) because I am passionate about it and I honestly think that I will enjoy it.
Eventually, I felt confident in my choice and became more and more excited about my future. I realized that I felt lost because I was never pursuing the career that was really right for me, and now that I have chosen my path, I’ve never been happier or more motivated. However, I’m grateful for the time I spend lost. Because of how much I resisted teaching, I feel more confident in my choice. I chose my career path despite my many reasons not to, and it feels right.
I hope that if you’re reading this and you feel lost, you know that you will find your way. If you feel like you know what you want to do but are resisting it, give in. Do what you love no matter the pay or status that comes with it. If you don’t have a single clue, that is okay. You’ll be okay. Explore. If you don’t find what is right for you right away, at least you’ll find out what you don’t want to do.
– ♥ Alana